I had zero intention to write a blog on my adventures with the #happylife2018 challenge today, and I have zero intention to write a blog on my adventures tomorrow.
But today I am feeling called, so here I am.
It’s funny how when we have no intention for what we are going to do, something better than what we could have ever imagined shows up.
If I tried to commit myself to writing today at the beginning of the day, I would have forced out some short words that really didn’t go as deep as I need to and wouldn’t have done me, or you, any good.
But lately, I’ve been on a renewed quest to find myself again.
When I first started exploring the beautiful and insightful world of astrology, and the spirituality that would then open up for me after that, I had found myself.
Before that, I didn’t know who I was.
The shock of life had woken me up to consciousness, but when I looked at myself, I didn’t recognize who I saw, and even scarier, I didn’t know who I was supposed to be seeing in the first place.
Then, bit by bit, piece by piece through my birth chart I started to break down the bits and pieces of who I am.
I started to see all the working components, what they were asking of me, and how I could step into them.
How they all come together.
Then I reached the point where I was so happy, so in love with who I was, I felt ready to share it.
I had known, for my own personal story, I wouldn’t be able to find ‘the one’ if I was constantly looking, and at that moment, I truly had no urge to look.
But I told the universe, I was ready to share in this love if they were ready too.
And before I know it, I met him.
And as many Pisces Suns have experienced, I lost myself again.
It wasn’t even his fault, it was just a natural reaction to what I was going through.
This was the first romantically intimate relationship I had ever been in. I was 20 and he was my first real date.
I had just found myself and now I was being tested.
To be seen means to be real. Real recognizes real, real seeks out real, but so often, being real in our own world is hard.
And I went through that.
I started putting all of my new found parts of me that I wasn’t so confident in into a box.
I started putting on the masks that I had worn for so long that made me seem ‘normal’.
I took down my inspirational quotes, I hid my goals and drives, I wouldn’t meditate or do yoga around him even though I needed it, all because I was scared to be seen in a part of my life that was so new, and was still so fragile.
And my spirit took a toll. My mind. My body. All of what was working for me when I was standing fully in myself was falling apart, and I wasn’t happy with the results.
Majorly depressed, in fact.
But lately, even before this challenge, I had finally come to the breaking point.
I couldn’t do what I was yearning for in life if I didn’t embrace who I am.
I couldn’t listen to my soul calling, the messages that are singing to me if I’m afraid to journal in my own home.
It just wasn’t working.
So I slowly started to bring it all back.
At first, he’s a bit logical and cynical, so I was resistant, but in the light of this heavy week, we had to be together a whole lot.
A whole lot, lot.
And I realized, I couldn’t just not do my yoga, my mediations, my coloring, my art, my journaling, my blog writing, my dancing, singing, eating, sleeping, and everything in between just because I needed to be with him.
In fact, because I did need to be with him so much, it was more imperative than ever to do all of those things.
And for the first time in our three year relationship, I did yoga in front of him.
I talked on the phone about spiritual matters.
I embraced what I do wholeheartedly and I was honest about what I was going through.
I think it’s a funny dichotomy, running a spiritual practice online and living one in physical space.
Online, I am surrounded by people who are unconditionally accepting and love what I do, so it’s so much easier to be confident in what I do.
But when I’m with my family and friends, who aren’t as spiritual and woo-woo as I am, that confidence hasn’t been as bold.
But for this week, I brought it back in, and it felt amazing.
Now that the rawness of everything we have gone through has eased up, and we are getting back to our ‘normal’ (what’s normal anyway?) energy and attitudes, I’m having to remember to be who I am even more.
I had just gotten a taste, and now I want to dive into it even more, but that will take bravery from me.
I put myself behind screen doors because I am afraid to be seen, even though I love myself unconditionally, there is fear around others seeing you, judging you, and then rejecting you.
I don’t want that to happen, but I also don’t want to hide my light anymore, and so, I keep bringing it out.
And that is what I’m doing here too.
I made a post today on the facebook page about the Scorpio Moon. I asked
“Where do you need healing?
Where do you need to let go?
Where are you finding deep connection, and what is that telling you about, you?”
and I realized, I wrote nothing of my own experiences here.
Real talk, about real life needs to happen in the spiritual world. We need to talk about the hard times. I have been so ornery for days because of my teeth. I’m in the process of getting the appointments set up to give them removed, but I’ve had zero tolerance for anyone that is around me.
Especially the ones who want something from me.
Because I just want to lay in bed and rest and connect to me.
I have had to face my depressions flooding back to me with love and open arms to listen to what they are trying to say so that I can work with them, not against them.
I’ve had to take a serious look at where my positivity is stemming from. Am I covering things up by saying things are going to be okay, or am I diving in and getting to the bottom of how I feel, and through moving through it all, realizing that yeah, things actually will be okay.
I’ve been ignoring intuition out of fear of survival and safety, despite the fact that my intuition is telling me we’ll be more than fine.
I have had anxiety attacks even through breathing deeply and listening to relaxing sounds.
I have struggled to give myself what I need and just say no, not today when I can’t keep my light on anymore.
And I have realized, it’s okay to turn my light off sometimes. Sometimes people need to see the dark.
I am dying to bring the real stuff to the spiritual world.
I do it in my readings, I make sure that everything real is listened to and validated and worked with, real foundations. Yet I struggle to put it in my public stuff. My blog posts, my facebook posts, my videos.
I wrote all about day one and shared the post everywhere, except my facebook page, where I’m the most active and share the most information, terrified of that part of me being seen, but it needs to be seen!
And I feel SO relieved through stepping into that.
I feel so joyful that I get to be who I am.
The parts of me that shine through in my relationships, the realness, the openness gets to shine through my work and career.
The parts of me that shine on through my work and career, my spirituality, my sacred practices, unconditional love, and acceptance, gets to shine through in my relationships.
My teeth still hurt. I still have to practice being brave in who I am. The mental health battles are still going to be there.
But I get to be happy finding my crazy real balance through it all.
And so my message from all of this is, whatever you are going through, you don’t have to mindset your way out of it.
You don’t have to meditate your way out of it.
You aren’t going through hardships because you’re not doing your work.
You are going through hardships because that’s life.
Yeah, perspective and mindset may help turn things around, when you are ready, but if you are feeling down, depressed, or things just aren’t working for you, and all the affirmations in the world aren’t working, just know, that’s okay.
Where you are at, what you are going through, how you feel, is perfectly okay.
And it’s okay to feel it all. Go through it all. Be with it all.
Maybe where you are being led is somewhere else that you never expected.
Maybe there is something else better calling you and speaking to you.
Something more you calling you.
Why not give it a listen?
Still your world. Take a moment for you.
Listen to music.
Move and dance.
See what comes up for you.
Today’s #happylife2018 challenge was to color a picture with crayons.
I am not a big fan of crayons, and I’d much prefer painting over coloring, but it got me to slow down and really enjoy all the pigments I was using.
I love color.
It is so expressive, lively, and beautiful.
And just like color, each emotion is just as expressive, lively, and beautiful.
A wall spattered with greens and blues, reds and purples, yellows and pinks, oranges, whites, and blacks is gorgeous and makes us feel so much!
A life with happiness and sadness, joy and bliss, anger and frustration, jealousy and relief is a colorful life, and a life worth living.
If you want to join the #happylife2018 challenge, I totally recommend it. Not only, when you do your own work, does it bring in so much happiness and love, there are also some well worth it prizes in store for showing up. You can join that here.
Happy living, loving, and being!
P.s. I used crayons, the color pencils were just on my desk from earlier! Messy week means a messy desk!